Results for ‘Humour’
[Welland Tribune, 26 April 1907]
This actually occurred in one of the city’s mammoth department stores one day last week. A lady customer stood in one of the aisles in a pensive attitude. She was perhaps meditating on the advisability of investing in some of the finery, when a short-sighted clerk, taking her for one of the lay figures, threw his arms around her and proceeded to carry her towards one of the windows. A vigorous protest was instantly entered by the lady, who was rudely aroused from her reverie, and the blushing clerk, overcome with confusion, humbly apologized for his error.-Vancouver, B.C. World
[People’s Press, 23 March 1909]
Last year there was called to the pulpit of a church in a certain New England town an elderly clergyman whose dry and unengaging method appealed so little to his congregation that, in due time, many transferred their allegiance to another church where a more entertaining preacher held forth.
Among those remaining true to the old church, says Harper’s Weekly, was a Miss Hill, an elderly spinster, who had once coyly confessed that never had she had a love affair.
One Sunday, upon her return to her home, the house of her married brother, she was asked whether attendance had been large at church that morning.
Miss Hill blushed. “Dear me, no.” replied she. “Brother, there were so few in the congregation this morning that every time the minister said, “Dearly Beloved,” I was as embarrassed as though I were receiving a proposal.”
[People's Press, 19 April 1910]
The Buffalo Enquirer has a funny yarn-at least it is meant to be funny-all about a man who called himself Wm. Deckwith of Welland, who went to Buffalo last Friday to celebrate his 60th birthday, took too much booze and got pinched at midnight. The bobby says Deckwith (if that is his name) was enquiring for the “Welland Hotel.” The report further says that Deckwith said he had lived the most of his sixty years in the “village” of Welland. It is possible the man may be a transient resident of Welland, but enquiry fails to find any trace of him, and the statement that he has lived here for the most of 60 years is undoubtedly fiction. No resident of Welland speaks of the place as a village, nor of the “Welland Hotel.” If a Canadian but winks or stubs his toe in Buffalo it is good for a half-column song and dance in one of the city papers.
[Welland Tribune, 9 August 1907]
Meriden, Conn., July 26-Three years of peace for $500 has been purchased by Joseph Boucher of this city. Boucher alleges that life with his wife was “one continual nag,” and that thirty-six months of immunity from persecution is cheap at the price paid. Mrs. Boucher accepted the proposition by signing the following unique contract: “I, Marie Boucher, do hereby agree not to bother my husband, come near him nor ask him for money for the space of three years.” The woman has gone to the home of her parents in Canada. At the expiration, if she wishes, she may return.
[Welland Tribune, 9 August 1907]
Elkhart, Ind., Aug. 2-At the grave of her husband Mrs. M.E. Joles of Bronson, Mich., received a proposal of marriage from Edward Turner, the undertaker, and she promptly accepted. He was so gentle in his treatment of the corpse and so sympathetic in his bearing toward the family that she admired him. The undertaker rode home with her from the grave and when he left her that evening they were engaged to be married. They will be married tomorrow at Elkhart.
At last Welland has bid farewell to Mr. Early’s mammoth hog. On this occasion Mr. Early has been fortunate. He has disposed of his hog profitably. The temperance lecturer Doutney has taken charge of his hogship for exhibition purposes, and is no doubt dreaming of skekels and nickels pouring in as the result of the venture. Mr. Early raised the 1050 lb. hog. Some time in October 1886, his hogship first looked upon life and squeaked his first squeak and grunted his first grunt, little dreaming of the glorious future in store for him. The animal being well fed and lineally descended, from ancient families of respectable grand-hogs, the Chester White and Byfield, he grew, prospered and snored. He was never neglected. His path so far has been strewn with roses. People from near and far came to see him, praised his inimitable size and general appearance, and complimented Mr. Early, while sipping their lager, upon the phenomenal hog in his possession. Not one of those gushing admirers felt like buying him, although they could all suggest ways in which Mr. Early could profitably use his hogship. Finally, the temperance lecturer, with “special methods” came around and looked at his hogship. That settled the business. Welland was too small for his hogship after that discerning speculative glance cast upon him by Mr. Doutney, of the “Doutney Temperance Movement.” He was bought at $100, and “Charlie,” his keeper, was hired at a good wage to attend him and follow his fortunes. It is to be hoped his hogship will fare better than “Charlie” at the hands of the temperance lecturer. The hog was bought and paid for and taken away, but Charlie was left and only paid 25¢ for three weeks’ waiting upon what is and was the admiration of many of his more fortunate fellow beings. When the mammoth hog left Welland he measured 7 ft 6 5/8 of an inch from snout to tail, his girth was 7 ft around the body, 5 ft around the neck, and he stood 3 ft 10 inches in his stocking feet. It was a job to move him to the station. At first Mr. James Potts, carpenter, was engaged to make a cage for his hogship. The cage measured 8 ft 6 in long by 4 ft 3 in wide, weighing 800 lbs alone. When they got him to the M.C.R. depot the cage was found to be too large to be put on any car there at the disposal of the M.C.R. Potts was again called upon and had to reduce the size of the cage to mere standing room for its occupant. Jumbo is now gone, with the good wishes of all who knew him, and of the tearful, affectionate and disappointed Charlie. Jumbo has gone to New York; Charlie is in Welland, with his future before him. Sic transit gloria mundi.
ONE WHO KNOWS
Welland, Jan. 1st 1890
Welland Tribune
10 January 1890
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